Die Hard 5: Live Free or Die Hard

So I attempted and failed to sit through the entirety of A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD. I got about 35-40 minutes in, felt my brain screaming in agony and listened to it. Got my refund. Did my laundry with said refund. A far more useful application of that money.

Do you reaaaallllyyy want a review? Ok. It’s an abject piece of shit. Nonstop wall to wall car crashes and scraping of metal on metal or concrete. Writing that would shame a third grader, unless they are already being bred and taught that stupid in school. Bruce Willis looking tired, bored and waiting to collect a big paycheck, which I’m sure is where a significant portion of the budget went that didn’t go towards car crashes and explosions. Director John Moore should be kicked in the balls, as he gave no shape, sense, wit or context to any of his videogame shots. I won’t even ask how much good money was pumped into this lifeless zombie fodder.

Believe me, it hurt how bad it was. It was a retarded playground for Russian vehicles to get smashed to pieces. Absolutely no regard for any human element whatsoever, though that has diminished since the 2nd film. No wit, no glee. All perfunctory and manufactured, thought up by a computer that had ingested too many action films and THOUGHT it knew how to make one on its own. Soulless garbage. I don’t know what else to say. Shit. Utter shit. I don’t walk out of films EVER unless there are techincal issues, and this looked and sounded flawless. The sheer insipidity was stunning.

Here’s an alternate plot: John McClane is sent in to rescue original director John McTiernan from prison, who is currently serving a year for perjury in a Rollerball wiretap case (that was some fun drama!), and then together they storm 20th Century Fox with machine guns and wipe out the clueless executives in charge. I cannot say this would make a better film, but a lot of executives would be dead, until more were manufactured at the Hollywood Executive Factory.

Go see LOOPER instead. I’m sure it’s out now on Bluray and streaming, and Mr. Willis gave a good performance there, in a film that had a real sense of time, place, and character. And this was a time travel film to boot.

Die, DIE HARD franchise. Rot in hell.


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